Have you ever just felt so lost? Full of doubt, uncertainty, confusion? And every well-meaning person’s attempt to throw a Bible verse at it makes you start to resent even that? Okay, maybe not an acceptable thing for a Christian to admit, but at least it’s honest. And then even admitting that just makes you feel like you’re failing at that, too, along with everything else. Or maybe it’s just me. I don’t know.
What do you do then? When it seems like you can’t turn to God even though you know that’s the only place you can go? When your prayer time consists of you sitting there not knowing what to say at all? When anything spiritual just seems to bounce off the hard shell that these things create around your heart?
I don’t know. I’m asking.
Life, at least for me, isn’t always spent basking in the joy of the Lord and standing strong on my faith. Sometimes I’m Job in the darkest depths, wondering why and how and if and when. Sometimes I’m Jonah in the belly of that beast feeling so, so far from God. I’m the sinking Peter and the doubting Thomas. Sometimes it seems like this faith I have and this God I love isn’t enough.
Should I be ashamed to admit such a thing? Should I be chastised, condemned, or criticized? Or can I just be real here for a minute? Because I doubt, too, that I’m the only Christian who has ever felt this way. So then what do I do to get off of this slippery slope I’m on, sliding farther and farther away?
I don’t know. I’m asking.
Maybe right now the deep darkness of depression is overshadowing the light, dimming my vision of it. Maybe the chaos and turmoil and distress of the world at large and my smaller world within it is getting to me. Maybe there is some failure, flaw, or sin in my life I’m not recognizing or acknowledging. Maybe God is trying to teach me something and I’m refusing to learn my lesson. Or maybe it’s a lesson that takes longer to learn.
I don’t know. I’m asking. I’m begging. I’m pleading. I’m seeking. But I’m still left here, for now, feeling lost.
I don’t have an answer. I don’t have a nice neat conclusion or a poignant point to make here, just the raw honesty of a hurting heart. And maybe someone else can relate to this and know they are not alone in it. One thing I do know, though, despite the doubts and confusion I am experiencing, is that Jesus came to seek and to save the lost. So then all hope is not lost. I can believe that my seeking Shepherd is with me as much in this dark valley as He is in those green pastures and beside those still waters. That has to be enough for now.